25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Sept. 1–14)

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the poop smell*

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 11, 2020

I’ll put decorative pillows in my husband’s recliner, IDGAF.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 12, 2020

Marriage is mostly just pretending you were awake when you were really sleeping and pretending you’re sleeping when you’re really awake.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2020

Gonna have to ask my husband to pluck the chin hairs I can’t seem to grip. We’re here now.

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) September 7, 2020

If you have to tell your wife “it was a joke,” it’s already too late. Godspeed.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 9, 2020

*vacuums the rug in front of the TV for 20 minutes while my wife tries to watch her show*

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 6, 2020

Me: we should have sex more often

Husband: Let’s start doing it every day.

Me: omg Lol what no

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 10, 2020

Me: I think I’ll do some reading.
Wife: What are you reading?
Me: A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Wife [coming into room]: that’s a 2020 calendar

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 8, 2020

Marriage: When going to the grocery store for ice cream and a flu shot is considered date night.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2020

Welcome to your 30s!

You did your first sets of lunges since kids and now your spouse has to help you off the toilet.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) September 10, 2020

I used to delete all my texts but then I got married and keep everything in case sooomebody wants to say I never told him to do that thing that I definitely told him on *picks up phone* June 24th, 2012 at 5:37PM.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 7, 2020

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 2, 2020

Marriage is just listening to your husband say, “I can totally do that,” while watching home improvement shows.

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 12, 2020

Wife and I are at the age where we have a bunch of shows that we can’t watch until the kids go to bed, but by the time they go to bed we’re too tired to watch them.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 10, 2020

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) September 6, 2020

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) September 6, 2020

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 10, 2020

Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 13, 2020

Husband: “Today’s the first time that I‘ve noticed you’ve aged..”

Me: (raises eyebrow)

Husband: “You’re handsome, you just look more like a father who works in senior management and not a guy going to music festivals with his mates”

I’m now sobbing into my anti age cream..

— Steve 🏳️‍🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) September 13, 2020

Can’t wait for my wife to get home and see how clean the bathtub is! Not sure why people told me my 30s would be boring.

— lucy bexley 🦇🌈 (@bexley_lucy) September 13, 2020

My wife still brings up that one time I took a nap in 2015 while she was in labor

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 4, 2020

Husband: *pours milk before cereal*

Me: Get out.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 3, 2020

You only think you’re a calm, passive person until you catch your husband drying off with your tablecloth

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 3, 2020

Husbands – Normalize having your wife’s fallen out hair strands awkwardly hanging from your body at all times.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 4, 2020

I’m not saying I’ve been angry the last few months, but I just texted “hi honey, how is your day?” to my husband and he responded “who are you and what did you do with my wife?”

— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) September 1, 2020